Beyond Limits: Identity is a lie we tell ourselves, and nobody else believes.

For former athletes becoming more - beyond the game. Life reflections, curated weekly.

May 25, 2025 | 4-minute read:

It's been a while since I watched Ted Lasso, but I vividly remember this moment.

Most viewers saw just another episode. But for me, with my interest in athletic identity, it hit differently.

Here's how it unfolds...

Roy Kent, the grumpy-but-lovable footballer, is facing retirement. His entire identity is crumbling before his eyes.

"Who the f*** am I if I'm not Roy Kent, the footballer?" he's thinking. (with that signature Roy Kent scowl that makes every expletive sound like poetry.)

Roy says "It's not just a game to me, it's all I've ever known, it's who I am. It's all I am."

That's when his girlfriend Keeley has a brilliant idea.

His young niece was sitting at a table nearby with headphones on, and Keeley called her over.

She asks his niece Phoebe to close her eyes and describe her uncle.

What does she say?

Not a word about football.

Instead: "He has a scratchy beard, buys me ice cream, swears a lot, and he's really funny."

Keeley goes, "You see, I didn't hear anything about being a footballer."

Roy then says, "Who gives a shit about what she has to say, she's only six." 😂

But you can tell it landed for him.

The Truth We Often Miss

This part resonated because it reveals something profound about human nature:

We rarely see ourselves accurately.

We define ourselves by our roles: job titles, achievements, and status.

And we former athletes know that better than anyone.

But the people who love us? They see something completely different.

The "you" you see isn't the "you" they see.

Ever notice how your biggest work failures don't matter to those who love you?

I've realized this disconnect runs through all our relationships:

We obsess over our professional image. They remember how we made them feel.

We focus on our mistakes and failures. They notice our resilience and courage.

We worry about status and accomplishments. They value our presence and attention.

When I Learned This Lesson The Hard Way

I learned this lesson early in my career the hard way.

I had made what felt like a catastrophic mistake. Left a stable job for what I thought was a better opportunity.

Turned out to be anything but.

I was devastated. Embarrassed. Convinced everyone was judging me.

As I was going through this tough time and trying to find my way, I connected with various family and friends.

I thought I needed to explain myself: to justify my decisions and outline my recovery plan.

I remember during a phone call, my uncle asked, "What do you do again?"

Not in a condescending way, but genuinely curious.

I rambled on about my career change, industry details, and future plans.

He listened patiently and then said, "I'm here for you and I know it's all going to work out."

It struck me then: what I did for a living didn't matter to him. Me as a human did.

Then I had to muster up the strength to call my old boss, admit I made a mistake, and swallow my pride.

But he told me, "I've got a job if you want to come back."

He wasn't judging me at all.

What I was experiencing in my head (the shame, the failure, the judgment) wasn't what he was thinking.

My story about how others saw me was dead wrong. I obsessed over my career while they only cared if I was happy.

I'd been so caught up in how I thought they'd see me that I completely missed how they did.

The Parts That Matter Most

Let that sink in for a second.

The parts of yourself you obsess over? The things you think define you?

They're often invisible to the people who matter most.

You obsess over your job title, accomplishments, and failures. Meanwhile, the people who love you see something different.

They're seeing your scratchy beard.

The ice cream you buy them.

Your potty mouth.

The way you make them laugh.

Trust The Mirror Others Hold Up

When you can't get out of your own way, let them show you the path.

Our self-image is made of insecurities, expectations, and fears that mostly exist in our head.

Their perspective is reality, too.

Maybe even a more accurate one than your own, because they see your impact, not your intentions.

The truth is, you'll never see yourself as well as others see you.

Whatever version of yourself you're wrestling with right now, remember this:

You are more than the box you've put yourself in.

Trust the mirror they hold up.

Stop chasing who you think you should be. Embrace who others already love: the real you they've seen all along.

If there's one thing I want you to remember it's this:

People who matter most don't care what you do or achieve. They value who you are and how you make them feel.

That's the only identity that matters.

What parts of yourself are you worried about right now that others probably don't even notice? I'm curious. Reply and let me know. I read every message.

Cheers,

Kyle

P.S. Here's a link to the clip if you want to check it out

P.P.S. One more thing about Roy Kent: my wife and I absolutely crack up at his signature move when something goes wrong. He does this slow, drawn-out "Fffffffuuuucccckkkk" in this perfect monotone voice.

It's our go-to when something goes wrong. We turn to each other and go "Fffffffuuuucccckkkk"

It's weirdly bonding to channel your inner grumpy footballer when life gets tough.